Nocturne

Sittet i sengen i hele dag jeg. Koselig det. Jeg klarte ikke gå på skolen idag heller, selv om jeg faktisk liker det ene faget idag veldig godt. Skjønner det ikke.

Fikk melding fra sykepleieren om ungdomsgruppen og timen på fredag. Hun har visst avtalt fellestime med mamma eller hva hun kalte det. Av og til tenker jeg at jeg kan prøve å gå på ungdomsgruppen, mens andre ganger(sånn som nå) er det det siste jeg kan tenke meg.

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why Am I searching for perfection?
Knowing it's something I won't find

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because

I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

When did I lose my sense of purpose?
Can I regain what's lost inside?
Why do I feel like I deserve this?
Why does my pain look like my pride?

I run
And the silence splits me open
I run
And it puts me underground
But there's no regret
And no roads left to run

Part of me won't go away
Everyday reminded how much I hate it
Weighted against the consequences
Can't live without it so it's senseless
Wanna cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
And wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low cause it's part of me
Heard of me the routine scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I'm sick of this
I can't stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade on my sanity
I rather not even be then the (wo)man that's staring in the mirror through me

Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently
This part of me won't go away, part of me won't go away
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone aught to be
Every time I see myself I see there's always something wrong with me

Not much feelin's comin' over me
People wonder how I set my troubles free
Cause there's no cry in my eye
I'm not low and I'm not high
And I won't get upset or blow off steam

Everything is not what it should be
But it doesn't make no difference to me
And the reason is clear
It's this pill I got here
I'm the nearest thing to level that I've been

Cause I'm on antidepressants
Poppin' this great prescription
Since this wonderful physician came online
And this drug that I've found
Took away my ups and downs
I'm no longer so pissed off at the world

As I sit here, I wonder why
As the sun sets
I still don’t cry
The day is dead
The moon is high
I sit and sigh
But I do not cry
The tears, they fall
From the slate blue sky
They drain their tears
They weep and cry
Yet here I sit
With the moon so high
And though I try
My cheeks are dry--
I cannot cry
And I’ll sit in silence
And continue to try
To drain my tears,
To mimic the sky
I’ll sit in solitude
And wonder why
As the moon crests the shoulder
Of the horizon
And ascends into the sky
Why it is the longer I sit here
The more I wish to cry…

Why can't I cry
Let the poison of my mind
Slip away with my tears
Yet I can't, no matter how I try

I need to cry
Refresh my soul, let it go
Bring this bitterness to an end
Only then can I fly

I want to cry
These tears build up
Inside the heart of me
As I slowly begin to die

Please just let me cry
So I can breathe
I want to live again
I just want to feel alive